1st May 2021.
Words by Roxane Venus Angoua. Photography by Billie.
In her letter, Roxane Angoua is speaking to her younger self, a very vulnerable letter which is also a celebration and a reminder of how far she went and how far she is going and neither 'The hammer nor the fire won’t be able to change that.
I have always desired to write you a letter. A letter that would have given you some advice about avoiding certain situations. I always thought it would have made me better and avoid me some of the chaotic pain I am still bearing.
I was selfish however to think this way. I admit that at a certain time of my current life I was in a quest of killing you. Your voice still resounded so loud in my head…. Which is not a surprise, because we have always been vocal and sure about what we wanted. Now, however, I realised that you needn’t die. I have finally made peace with you and realised that we have evolved. I found the peace, joy and unconditional love we always dreamt.
I ardently want to tell you that life became easy, that everything is perfect now. But it won’t be true. This joy I have found is not in my circumstances. I found an anchor, someone who is consistently the same and takes my pain away… I found Jesus. I know it is very unpopular, but I seldom care about what people would think because He is real, and has taken me just as I am.
I am still a hot mess in certain areas, but I no longer cry as we used to. I no longer date men with issues. I no longer loathe myself. I have found that loving us was all we needed. I know you had daddy issues and a hole in your heart that you tried to fill with many things… which hurt you even more. But It is no longer the case. We have healed which I didn’t know was even possible since our pain was so immense. I no longer want you to avoid the mistakes we made, because you are part of I and I accept us the way we are.
I love you from the depth of my heart. You are intelligent, mean, witty, determined, courageous. You have always been. God through time has unveiled it.
If you read this letter now, I want you to bear in mind that you are a rough diamond. Regardless of how unrefined you look you still are worthy in your essence. The hammer nor the fire won’t be able to change that.
With all my love,
Your future self.
Roxane Venus Angoua is a writer based in Ivory Coast.