DEAR ROXY

1st May 2021.

Words by Roxane Venus Angoua. Photography by Billie.

In her letter, Roxane Angoua is speaking to her younger self, a very vulnerable letter which is also a celebration and a reminder of how far she went and how far she is going and neither 'The hammer nor the fire won’t be able to change that.

Young Roxy,

I have always desired to write you a letter. A letter that would have given you some advice about avoiding certain situations. I always thought it would have made me better and avoid me some of the chaotic pain I am still bearing.

I was selfish however to think this way. I admit that at a certain time of my current life I was in a quest of killing you. Your voice still resounded so loud in my head…. Which is not a surprise, because we have always been vocal and sure about what we wanted. Now, however, I realised that you needn’t die. I have finally made peace with you and realised that we have evolved. I found the peace, joy and unconditional love we always dreamt.

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I ardently want to tell you that life became easy, that everything is perfect now. But it won’t be true. This joy I have found is not in my circumstances. I found an anchor, someone who is consistently the same and takes my pain away… I found Jesus. I know it is very unpopular, but I seldom care about what people would think because He is real, and has taken me just as I am.

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I am still a hot mess in certain areas, but I no longer cry as we used to. I no longer date men with issues. I no longer loathe myself. I have found that loving us was all we needed. I know you had daddy issues and a hole in your heart that you tried to fill with many things… which hurt you even more.  But It is no longer the case. We have healed which I didn’t know was even possible since our pain was so immense. I no longer want you to avoid the mistakes we made, because you are part of I and I accept us the way we are.

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I love you from the depth of my heart. You are intelligent, mean, witty, determined, courageous. You have always been. God through time has unveiled it.

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If you read this letter now, I want you to bear in mind that you are a rough diamond. Regardless of how unrefined you look you still are worthy in your essence. The hammer nor the fire won’t be able to change that.

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With all my love,

Your future self.